Let me start by saying that I'm not really fat per se but at the same time, I'm carrying around at least fifteen pounds I could afford to lose and when I recently tried to convince my doctor that perhaps it was muscle mass (from working out at the gym) that was making me tip the height to body weight chart on its ear, he felt my bicep and dryly said, "I don't think so."
I was in LA last week and I had heard that when Beyonce was getting ready to do Dreamgirls she had decided that she needed to lose weight so that she could look more like the icon, Diana Ross so she went on this lemon water with maple syrup and cayenne pepper fast and lost twenty pounds.
I thought, perfect right? I read about it and found out that it's really called "The Master Cleanse" and after getting the supplies, I was all ready to start. So this past Friday morning bright and early I made my lemon water and drank it all day, by 7pm that night I would have eaten the sofa. Thus my story...
The real idea behind the supposed cleanse is to rid your body of toxins, give your colon a cleaning out and give you a clean slate as it were to begin to re-toxify yourself all over again with the environment around you when you're done.
On my recent family vacation my sister-in-law and I had discussed it and we were ready to go on this thing. My massage therapist had gone on it and he had lost nine pounds in six days and said he felt more energized than he ever had in his life during and after the cleanse. I had also read in US Magazine that one of the Coreys (can't remember if it was Haim or Feldman) had also gone on it and lost over 150 pounds to get in shape for their new reality show.
I was ready for the adventure to begin on Friday. I chose that day because I was working from home and while I didn't expect major action on the first day, I was taking the precautionary methods that made sense in this situation. Well, it's a damn good thing that I did because approximately one hour after my first glass of the Jekyll and Hyde fluid (and a cup of "Smooth Move" tea that you're supposed to drink with it) I was off to the races (or moving as quickly as I could to the bathroom).
I'll spare you the details of what followed next but let me say that it was not pretty and you could hear my yelping for miles. (And let me say that days after that my stomach and my bowel movements are still not back to normal.) Okay so if I had done a bit more research I would have known what to expect but, oh well!
All day on Friday I stayed away from the kitchen. I kept talking myself into another glass of the yellow liquid, trying to convince myself that it was the most delicious thing ever.
To say my stomach was making odd noises is an understatement. All the while, my husband is saying, "I want to be supportive so let me know if it bothers you if I eat in front of you." God love him, he knew I was crazy and doomed for failure but he did try to show his support. Unfortunately I only heard part of his sentence as I was running back to the bathroom at the time.
Finally at 7pm having drunk all the lemonade that I was supposed to for the day, my stomach screaming and with a very sore behind from all the bathroom trips, I had to end my cleanse, my fast, my stupidity.
Look, I know that I need to eat less and work out more but I just haven't been able to do it. My heart (or mouth in this case) just doesn't want to do what my head knows it should. Let's face it, if I'm really honest with myself, it's not like Bill Condon (director of Dreamgirls) is waiting for me to lose the weight to have me star in his next film.
There are no quick fixes for us normal folk, it's all a lot of hard work and the sooner I realize that, the better. So hey, I tried to be a celebrity but during that twelve hours I felt less like a celebrity and more like Morale from A Chorus Line when she sings, "I felt nothing, I'm feeling nothing and he said "nothing" could get a girl transferred. They all felt something but I felt nothing except the feeling that this bullshit was absurd." Nope, the lemonade diet might be a success with the stars but it's definitely not for me!